I woke up this morning (at 7:30AM, which was more like 6:30AM after daylight savings time, AND after having been out until 2AM (pre-DST) watching UFC) in a mood.
I have put SO much time and energy into weight issues. Do I look okay? Does this skirt make me look fat? Obsession after obsession after freakout. I don't even want to imagine how much of my precious life has gone to feeling bad about myself.
From March 8 to May 10, I will be the best I know how to be at eating and exercise. I will plan my meals each week and schedule my exercise. On May 10, I will be running a half marathon, and I am going to train for that thing like a particularly obsessed Olympian. I will give it everything I've got.
And on May 10th, we will see. If, after 9 weeks of solid effort, I have made no dent in my weight, then I hereby promise that I will choose to be satisfied with where I am. If 9 weeks of logical and reasonable accommodations do nothing, then I'm not meant to lose anything.
Last week I ran for just over an hour and could easily have gone twice as long. I am fit. I'm just fat over the fit. And if that fat doesn't want to go after 9 weeks, then I will make peace with that.
The sidebar calendar is now just a yes/no. If I do the exercise and meals I have planned for that day, it gets a green. If not, it gets a red. There will be no reds.
This is the last time I will begin a weight loss program. If I do lose weight and am pleased about it, I will continue the program until I no longer lose weight (it's not a 'diet' per se so there's nothing I need to "go off"). If I do not lose weight, I will never start a weight loss program again.
For the next nine weeks I am an Olympian (albeit a slightly squishy one) going after a goal with absolute focus. I have set up rewards for each week (almost all involving revisiting a favourite movie or book but a few allowing me to buy something new: NONE about food, though) so that every week I have a new thing on which to focus.
Oddly, I'm both scared it will work and scared it won't. I put on the majority of my weight in 1996, so I have been big a LONG time. I'm not entirely sure who I am if I lose weight. I'm also not sure who I am if I stop trying to do it.
But, one way or the other, I will find out on May 10th.
I'd be delighted if any of you want to pursue this with me. Support is always great. :)