First exercise failure of 2009

So yesterday I was supposed to run. But I did not.

And I can't honestly say I feel bad about it.

I woke up feeling like I was fighting off a cold, and still felt oogy (technical term, meaning dull and grumpy and lethargic) all morning. In the afternoon, the oogyness began to fade and I spent hours on Raoul's query letter. (I'm sure I look funny doing that... staring intently at the screen for minutes on end, then lunging forward and changing one word, then staring again until I change the word back.)

So I got stuff done. Just no running. I'm surprised that I don't feel bad, as I'm usually all into beating myself up over this sort of thing, but I'm actually fine with it, so that's good.

Today I will be playing Wii Fit for 30 minutes or so (boxing, some strength challenges, and maybe a bit of hula hoop if I'm feeling saucy), and I'm also in the process of reading Raoul top to bottom to make sure it's ready to go out. 18,000 words in, it is, and I am starting to feel ready to let it go. I'm aiming for January 31st, so expect at least one panicked "what if they hate it?" post between now and then. :)

Actually, let's pre-empt that. If they hate it, whatever. My heart is in this book, and I know I've done everything I could for it. I've learned from it, and I'll carry that forward into the next book, and that has to be the definition of success as a writer.

Off to read my book. Third time reading a book before sending it to agents and the feeling of "wow, I wrote this?" hasn't worn off. I hope it never does!

Vacation: I could get used to this!

The first few days were surprisingly rough. I played a lot of video games because, frankly, I couldn't think of anything else to do. Raoul seemed to be pulsing in its Word file, calling, "Come on and edit me. You know you want to." And it was right, I did.

And I still do, but now I can wait. :) This week I've become less slug-like. I spent 2 hours yesterday deep-cleaning the big fish tank, which I've meant to do forever but haven't had time. Well, I have the time, so I took it, and enjoyed it.

My fifteen minutes of reading a day is continuing, and I'm gradually returning to my old "just pick up a book and read it, don't worry if it's in your genre or relevant or going to be any good" style. Welcome back, old friend. I have so missed you.

The 101 tasks are ongoing but I'm not blogging them because I haven't felt like it, and I'm on vacation. :) But I AM progressing, and maybe this weekend I'll report.

I have not spent any serious time on writing-related stuff since the end of July. All my industry-related blogs are on hold, I've done nothing on Raoul or on coming up with the next book (well, not much... I occasionally ponder something as I fall asleep, but I love doing that so I think it's okay!), and I am beginning to feel less tired and less overwhelmed.

So far, the month is a success!

Heather

June 25, 2008: Stretching into visual art

Not sure any more where I found this site for the Diary 2009 project, but it's the neatest thing. A different artist creates each page of a datebook for 2009, and then they're all bound together and sold either in paper form or on a CD (which you can print and have bound yourself).

And I, I created July 14th's page. :) I am so not a graphics designer (SO not) but I gave it my best shot and I'm actually really pleased with my page, which can be seen at the project's Flickr page (look for "SapphireNinja" - that's me!).

I intend to buy the diary, and when my birthday rolls around next year I'll look at the page I made and remember that I can do more than I think I can.

I'll never be famous for my visual art. But so what? I can make some, and amuse myself, and in this case I can be part of an amazing project at the same time.

Speaking of amazing projects (did that sharp turn hurt your neck? I hope not!) I love Raoul. SO much. I will miss it when it's done. I want it done, so it can rest and then I can edit it and make it gorgeous, but I'll miss Tess and Forrest. They're good eggs.

:)

Heather

101 in 1001 update: June 22, 2008

I've been working hard on other things (16,000 words on Raoul this week!) so the 101 tasks have sort of... fallen by the wayside. I have done things, of course, but not to the level I'd meant to.

I'm actually starting to think I might convert the list into multiple "10 things to do in 101 days" lists - the long time frame of the original seems to promote a "yeah, yeah, later" mentality. But we will see. Not all tasks are conducive to that, which makes it tricky.

NO, I did not add 8,000 grains to my free rice total to get me to 101,000 (and in fact, given that I was at 90,000 last week, even if I HAD done the 8,000 I wouldn't have reached 101,000). Current total: 93,200
NO, I did not release five books to BookCrossing. I did three, though, and two more are prepped and ready to go.
NO, I did not knit at least two rows daily on the sweater of doom. I didn't want to, and it's become something I HAVE to do not something I WANT to do, so I did maybe two rows all week and then set it aside.

YES, I did read. I read "Mindless Eating" by Brian Wansink (as an eBook on my Palm, while on the treadmill and elliptical). Fascinating and well-written!
YES, the litter box is now on top of the toilet. Sapphire is doing her job.

This week, I will:
- add seven thousand grains of rice, to put me just over 100,000 grains.
- make plans to celebrate July as my birth month, doing at least one fun/interesting/different thing each week of the month. Feel free to email/facebook-message me with suggestions!
- donate the last two books to bookcrossing
- read another author I've never read before, again most likely as an eBook
- finish my third string grocery bag
- knit through at least one movie with Mr. W (at home, not at the theatre :)
- mid-week, remove Sapphire's litter box and replace it with litter in a bowl in the toilet, then hope for the best.
- do week 9 of the Artist's Way book
- return to private item #101, which fell by the wayside this week because I forgot to put it on last week's list!

In other news:
- ten more Raoul-writing hours, plus whatever time in the afternoon to polish it up
- progress on Margie Lawson's EDITS course
- finish re-reading Donald Maass's Breakout Novel book
- revise the training schedule for the 10-mile race, since I'm having trouble finishing the runs without stomach problems (I'll spare you the details :)

The year is nearly half over. I am pleased with what I've done thus far...

• Revised "Polar Bear" in January
• Finished revised draft of "Seven" by end of February
• After a good month of struggles ('good' meaning possibly longer, not a reflection on the quality and enjoyment of said time) found the concept for Raoul
• Created a career plan for myself
• Trained for and ran two half marathons
• Locked in the 101 in 1001 list and did weekly updates
• Finished "Seven"'s edit
• Created "Raoul"'s outline
• Completed Margie Lawson's "Empowering Characters' Emotions" course
• Polished "Seven" to feedback and did final re-read
• 41,000 words on "Raoul"'s first draft
• Sent out initial queries for "Seven"
  
• Wrote five articles for Computing Unplugged from Jan-June

It actually looks quite impressive all written out! I keep this information listed in my Palm but not as concisely as this - I will keep it this way from now on, as it'll do wonders for the "ack, it's July and I've done nothing, NOTHING, all year! Why am I so freakin' lazy?" blues. :)

Have a great week!

June 12, 2008: Flowing

I was expecting today, particularly this afternoon, to be aggravating. My car needed an oil change and its emission test before I could renew its registration, and the dealership wanted to keep it all afternoon. The dealership 45 minutes from home. I packed up my Palm, loaded with eBooks, Raoul's manuscript, and my latest online course, along with a few other books and a notebook, and hoped for the best.

I had a fabulous afternoon. I went to a lovely coffee shop, which was so peaceful unlike my usual Starbucks, and ate a luscious slice of chocolate banana cake and drank a caramel latte (which I suspect had pretty much a lethal dose of caffeine; 6 hours later and I'm still buzzing). I did Raoul's edits from the morning's writing, looked at the course, and just stared out the window and relaxed. I'm glad I let the day just unfold: it couldn't have been better. Sometimes you just have to let things flow.

And the car aced its test too!

Writing Project: Raoul
Time Planned: 2 hours plus editing (I did the morning's writing on the computer so I wouldn't have the "when am I going to type this in?" blues in the afternoon)
Time Spent: 2 hours plus maybe another hour - time passed oddly at the coffee shop :)
Favourite part: seeing the relationship between Tess and her best friend develop

Exercise: 45 minutes elliptical
One Fun Thing I Did Today: enjoyed my afternoon with no stress

June 11, 2008: Interview with myself

So, what's your issue, exactly?
I feel frustrated. I hate not having my schedule all to myself, and three out of five afternoons this week are out of my control.

Are you still getting work done?
Yeah, because I refuse not to, but I feel all scattered and mangly.

Is mangly a word?
It should be if it's not.

Is there any point in getting yourself in a knot over stuff you can't control?
Only that I'm really really good at it. Really. Might be my best skill.

Might want to work on that.
Yeah, maybe.

But seriously. How many words have you got on Raoul this week?
7025.

In three days.
Yes.

Are they good words?
Most of them. And some are even in the right order.

Is it possible, just possible, that you're beating yourself up for no good reason? That you're letting the weirdness of the week's schedule make you feel like you're accomplishing nothing when in fact you're doing well?
This interview is over.

I'm just saying. And maybe do something fun? Something that's NOT just watching Corner Gas at lunch (lovely though that is?)
I need to get better at this.

Luckily, this week gives you lots of practice.
Joy.

Writing Project: Raoul's first draft
Time Planned: 2 hours plus type-in
Time Spent: 2 hours plus an hour type-in
Favourite Part: describing hockey without using the words 'boring' or 'who cares'

Exercise: 45 minute run outside - went out faster than I should have and ended up sustaining it throughout - I'm better than I think.
One Fun Thing I Did Today: nothin'. See above.

June 6, 2008: Come Alive

One of my sisters uses this as her email signature:

Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. --Howard Thurman

I love it. I'm writing because it brings me alive. I want to sell, want to see my books in stores, want to see people reading my books. I have big dreams, and I'm doing what it takes to make them real instead of just dreams.

Every time I sit down to write, though, something exciting happens, something arrives on that page and I don't know where it came from, and I'm amazed every time. I'll write as long as I have the amazement, and it's just getting stronger after nearly three years.

Find what makes you come alive and go do it, and your life will never be the same.

Writing Project: Raoul's first draft
Time Planned: 2 hours plus type-in
Time Spent: 2 hours plus one hour
Favourite Part: seeing themes appear that I hadn't planned

Exercise: 45 minutes elliptical
One Fun Thing I Did Today: hugged the cat for five minutes. If there's anything listening to that purr can't fix, I'd be surprised.

June 5, 2008: Over-analysis

I was about eight hand-written pages into today's writing session when I got that sinking feeling that tells me, "You're writing, but this stuff isn't a book." Sure enough, I'd somehow managed to miss the fact that the scene's description didn't contain conflict. More precisely, it DID, but that conflict ended up being subsumed into the previous scene, leaving this one as the "I got up, had some toast, went for a walk" sort of scene.

Which we do not write, no, we do not.

So, fine, it's just over an hour out of my life. Start again. I moved on to the next scene, which crackled along quite nicely for the rest of the two-hour writing session. But then I had a problem.

I have a tracking spreadsheet for this book, as I've had for every book, for my running, and for probably lots of other things that didn't need one. In Raoul's spreadsheet, I track how many hand-written pages I finish in the two hours, and then track how many typed words they turn into.

So what do you do when half the pages you wrote aren't going to be turned into typed words?

If you're not ridiculously obsessed with statistics, you move on with your life. If you are me, you get all weirded out and try to figure out how to fix it. "Write another hour and take those words instead!" "Figure out the stats without that hour!" (Sure, but then today's total looks ridiculously low.) "Okay, then do the first one."

So I did. Went to Starbucks and wrote... for nearly two hours. Seeing the scene clearly, struggling to find the right words to describe it so others would see it too, crossing stuff out and re-writing it and moving forward and backward, but moving.

Back home, it was time to type it in, but the issue of the first "lost" hour still bothered me. I'd done the work and I wanted the credit.

And that's where I said, "Hold up, missy. Credit?" Putting numbers into the spreadsheet doesn't matter a fig. Not even half a fig. Word count in the first draft file counts. And that's about it. As long as I know I've worked, that should be good enough.

And I did work. I worked damned hard, as a matter of fact. This was a crucial scene, the first time Tess really shows her skills, and I think I nailed it. So what does it matter how many words got written on the page and how much time I spent?

What matters is that scene. And, even more than just that scene, what matters is that I paid attention. I got to a better place, by far, than I would have if I hadn't recognized I'd wandered off to a no-conflict scene and fixed it. I recognized it, and I kept working until it was fixed.

That's all the credit I need.

So I took the "hand-written to typed words" page out of the spreadsheet. I will keep track of how much time I spend each day, and how many words I have at the end, and the rest just doesn't matter.

I'm harder on myself than anyone else would ever be, and to some degree that's good. At the same time, though, I need to honour and appreciate how much I DID do, even when I think I could have/should have done more.

So... I worked hard today. I put in about five hours, and came out with 2900 words. The scene binds Tess into her new job more tightly than anything else could have, which is what I needed to have happen, and also reveals her character and Forrest's as well.

You done good, kid. :)

Writing Project: Raoul's first draft
Time Planned: 2 hours plus type-in
Time Spent: 3.25 hours plus type-in of 2 hours
Favourite Part: that I didn't quit

Exercise: 40 minute interval run
One Fun Thing I Did Today: not much yet, but I'm off to see the SATC movie tonight with my lovely friend L.J. Can't wait!

June 4, 2008: Priorities

I was offered an interesting gig for the month of July, posting news articles to a site I visit frequently. There was even a few hundred dollars in it.

But I said no. And I'm thrilled with myself for it.

Writing Raoul is my top focus. My other goals and tasks are secondary. Choosing to add this new project, which would require about an hour a day, might not have stopped me finishing Raoul by July 31st as I plan. It probably would not have stopped me. But it would definitely have made me work a lot harder and my stress level would have been considerably higher.

I said no because I want to be a published novelist, and I don't want to take on anything else that will interfere with that. I'm so happy I recognized the danger before I automatically said yes (and I did nearly offer to help "if he was desperate" but avoided that little pitfall as well).

Perhaps in gratitude, Raoul went really well today. A little piece of information I'd planned to share later appeared in today's scenes, which is great because it came out as a natural part of a conversation, and I'm hearing Tess's voice and words more and more clearly.

Moving from hyper-private MC to Tess, who has a temper and isn't at all afraid to share her opinions, is a challenge. But I love it.

Writing Project: Raoul
Time Planned: 2 hours plus type-in time (I scheduled up to three hours)
Time Spent: 2 hours plus 1.25 hours (the other 1.75 went to working on an online course)
Favourite Part: being tired in the last 15 minutes of writing but getting a really great ending to the scene in question anyhow

Exercise: scheduled rest day
One Fun Thing I Did Today: looked at LOLCats. Yes, I do this every day, but this cat looks so much like my Sapphire I couldn't stop laughing.

101 Update: May 18, 2008

Yet again, I have overscheduled myself and it came back to bite me. I can't seem to get into my head that four tasks done perfectly is better than eleven scheduled tasks I don't finish. I will try again this week, and since I'm going back to editing Seven this week I will keep the 101 tasks to a dull roar.

NO, I did not get my freerice total to 65000. I had it in my head that the requirement was 62000, so I got there and stopped. Oops.
NO, I did not read a book from the Random House list.

YES, I did read another author new to me, but NO, I have not reviewed the book. I will do that some time this week.
YES, I got through one week without swearing. One more to go. :)
YES, I donated ten items (15, actually) to charity.
YES, I did lots of knitting. I measured the piece this week - April 28th it was 6" long, yesterday it was 10"! I am getting there!!
YES, I did better on the "think before I eat" thing.
YES, I did week 3 of the Artist's Way program.
YES, I did private item #98 seven times.
YES, I did private item #101 once.
And I did private item #100 once of the eleven times I need to do it.

In other areas, I finished Raoul's outline (woo!), submitted my Computing Unplugged article, and decluttered in the kitchen. My legs are recovered from the half marathon, ready for the NEXT one May 25th.

WHY do I always feel like I've had a terrible week on these tasks? I have not. My self-assessment skills are really poor. It's good to have high standards, yes, but I'm constantly beating myself up for stuff I didn't even fail at.

And this week I'll need to have more compassion for myself. It's the final pass through Seven and I have to balance working hard at it with not harassing myself for "all the mistakes you made you could have fixed before".

Given the busy work schedule, I want to keep the 101 tasks restrained. My list:

#1: Add 8000 grains to freerice, for a total of 70000.
#6: Continue the 'not swearing' thing for another week. There have been a few near misses but I caught myself in time. :)
#55: Do at least two rows of knitting daily. I'm now good enough that I can watch TV and knit at the same time, so this is now much less of a chore than before, when I was clinging to it for dear life and focusing so hard I got headaches. I'll also take it in the car for the four-hour (I think) trip to the half marathon and for the hotel room before and after. (During, it's too hard to knit. :)
#65: I'm less than two pounds from a weight number I haven't gone below for a long time, and it's messing with my head. I want to be below that number by the end of May, so I need to lose a pound this week. Make it happen! (I'll burn around 2000 calories at the half marathon, so this should be doable, assuming I don't eat everything around me afterward. Hmm.)
#72: Try something new at Starbucks. Either a new food or new drink.
#89: Week 4 of the Artist's Way program. In the midst of revision, I need the calm and higher-level focus of this program more than ever.
#98: Another seven instances of private #98.
#101: Another one instance of private #101.

This will keep me moving along in the 101 program without being overwhelming (I hope!).

In other areas, I'll revise Seven. There's a kitchen cabinet in dire need of decluttering, and if I need a break I will go there. I will be working on Seven Monday-Friday 10-12, Monday/Wednesday/Friday afternoons for at least 3 hours, and Tuesday/Thursday afternoons for 1-2 hours. After a two-three hour session, my brain feels like it always did after a hard exam in university, so this is essentially a "two exams a day for five days" scenario. I know I can do it. It's tough, but I can do it.

So I should go get some rest now!